You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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