So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I accidentally had phone sex last night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
