my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
