Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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