Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
