I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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