My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
