Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
