Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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