this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
