is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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