you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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