If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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