I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
