btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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