dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
