I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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