I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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