so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
