Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
