After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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