I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
