well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
