I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
