Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
