i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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