is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
