My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
