I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
