After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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