I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
