Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
