I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
