i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
