He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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