I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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