I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
vagina is talking i cant
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
