I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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