Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
