dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
