Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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