Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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