Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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