operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
