i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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