Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
