A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
