I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
