I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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