the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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