Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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