i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize