I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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