the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
