I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
