So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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