Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
