Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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