I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
