it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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