So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Drunk is a universal language darling
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