I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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