Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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