You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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