so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize