Michael Bay diarrhea
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My vagina just clenched in fear
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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