I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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