I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize