Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
